TITLE: Basics AUTHOR: Joey Cacho EMAIL ADDRESS: acacho@sprint.ca DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Anywhere just as long as u don't change the "Title" and "Email Address". SPOILER WARNING: Dunno CONTENT WARNING: Boys of South Park falls in love to Scully; just as girls falls in love to Mulder. This is a sequel of Lodgers of Corn so u might not understand some stuff here if u haven't read Lodgers of Corn, comprende? CLASSIFICATION: XF/SouthPark crossover. SUMMARY: Mulder and Scully visits the school of SouthPark to teach First Aid, hence the title: Basics. DISCLAIMER: The X-Files, South Park and all its characters are not mine. They are owned by geniuses and people in Hollywood. No infringement intended. "Basics" Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Cartman are all waiting at the bus stop for their school bus. "Stan, I heard what happened to your sister," Kyle said to Stan. "Yeah, we heard she flirted with this guy and she ended up getting shot by the guy's girlfriend, in the head," Cartman added. Stan answered, "Yeah, she got really bitchy, but she's all right now." Then their bus finally arrived. "Get in!" yelled the big-mouthed driver. When the driver saw what Cartman dropped as his fare, the driver yelled, "What the hell is this? You don't give monopoly money for your fare!" Cartman turned to her and yelled back, "If you touch me I'll shave your stinking head, fat bitch!", "That's it. Out! Get your ass OUT!" Fortunately Kyle had extra money, and so he paid for Cartman. "Wow, Kyle, you're really nice.", "Sure, what are friends for?" Kenny replied, "Squeak, squeak." Stan, who understood what Kenny said, replied to him, "Eow, you're sick Kenny. Friends don't do that kind of stuff."sat at the back of the bus, as usual. Cartman said, "Man, that fat bitch really pisses me off." He said it loud enough for the driver to hear it, and as a reply, the driver yelled to the boys, "You're lucky you're just a kid, blubber!" At school, Mr. Goresin said to his class, "Now, students, we have visitors who's gonna talk to us about the importance of first aid. Please welcome FBI agents Mulder and Scully." Stan was excited, and said, "Scully? Scully!", as the beautiful agent trailed behind Mulder into the classroom, felt butterflies in her stomach going berserk at the site of Stan. Mulder, sensing a violent death is about to take place, turned around and took Scully by the hands. He whispered to her, "How come you always get all the attention? You're driving men and boys crazy wherever you go." She replied to him, "Mulder, just do me a favor, hold my gun, will ya?", "Sure." Stan saw the two agents' hands clasping each other. He called out, "Scully, it's me, Stan, remember?" Mulder answered, "Hey, how's your head?" "I have a question about First Aid." Cartman asked. Mulder said, "Let's hear it.", "Why do we have to learn First Aid?", "Because," replied Mulder, "without it, you're going nowhere." Cartman then replied, "This is nowhere! Can't we go to lunch early?" Mulder replied, "First Aid speaks for itself. It's a little self-explanatory. It means aiding first." Cartman then said, "You just switched the words around and added 'ing'." Mulder pretended not to hear the fat boy, and continued, "If the aid came late, we won't be able to call it First Aid, can we? It's like Fast Food. If the food didn't came in 2 minutes, it's not called fast, right?" Cartman then asked, "Why not? We call it food." Mulder sighed and continued, "The point is, you have to be fast, and you gotta know what you're doing. That's why we're here. To teach you basic First Aid. Now, we need volunteers to help us out here." When no one raised their hands, Mulder thought, "Just as I wanted." And he pointed at Cartman to come to the front, and picked another boy. "What's your name?", "Cartman.", "And you?", "Squeak.", "What was that?", "Squeak.", "He said Kenny, his name is Kenny," said Kyle. The female agent instructed Kenny to lie down and asked Cartman to walk beside Kenny. After that, she instructed Cartman to kneel down and listen to Kenny's heart. Finally, Scully asked Cartman if he could pump Kenny's heart by pressing down on his chest. Cartman replied, "Okay, sure Scully. Watch me do it, Scully." In over excitement, Cartman pressed harder than he was suppose to, and Kenny's ribs cracked, broke into pieces like old twigs. Kenny's last "Squeak," Came out of his mouth, before he died. Mulder screamed violently, in terror. "This is too much, oh Scully, I can't handle it any more. Eow!" Stan screamed at Cartman, "Why the hell did you killed Kenny for?" Kyle asked, "Isn't this the perfect time for First Aid?" Mr. Goresin answered, "It's too late, class. Kenny's heart is totally squeezed now. You see, you need a puffed, fat heart to perform First Aid." "It's okay kids, I'll…uh…clean this up," Scully said. Instantly, Kyle, Stan and all the other boys in the class including Mr. Goresin and Mr. Hat stood in attention, all offered help to the queen of their hearts. A girl in the class, looked around and saw more girls, except one, handsome guy at the corner, sobbing. "Hey, Jemima, check it out. Isn't he buffed?" Jemima replied, "I love Jewish men," she giggled. Jemima asked her seat mate, "Tea, come on, let's go to him." Lolita leaned over to Jemima and whispered to her, "Don't ask her, she's a whore. And besides, I don't think Mr. Mulder is attracted to girls who have silicon-based coconuts. Just look at Ms. Scully, she look so natural and beautiful and gorgeous, he's obviously attracted to her.", "And sexy too," added Jemima. "Not to mention smart and incredibly intellectual," said Scully who's standing at the door. "Thank you, girls for your compliments." Jemima raised her hand indicating that she has a question. "Yes?" "This girl said you're a fake," the little liar pointed at her seatmate. Scully took her gun and blasted Tea's ugly blonde head. "That'll be all, kids," she said. "Where are the boys?" Lolita asked Scully. "I ask them to go buy me a car. The first guy who could give me a car will have my kiss on his lips." Mulder looked around and saw a matchbox displayed as one of the student's experiments on car crashes. He took it and gave it to Scully who took it and examined the little toy. "This is a one-inch long car," commented Scully when she saw it. Mulder replied, with the most joeyishly smile, "You never said that size matters.", "It doesn't, but I tend to enjoy riding convertible ones a lot more." End Note: I know it suck big time and it reeks w/ stupidity. Nevertheless, I still enjoy feedbacks.