TITLE: What Keeps Us Together AUTHOR: Joey Cacho EMAIL ADDRESS: acacho@sprint.ca DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Archive anywhere just keep the intro intact, k? SPOILER WARNING: This story takes place many years in the future. CONTENT WARNING: Think about Mulder and Scully, then add Seinfeld's George's parent's characters to them. CLASSIFICATION: Humor SUMMARY: Mr. and Mrs. Mulder's whole family comes together at their house for their 35th anniversary. Manhattan, NY 11:16 p.m. Mr. Mulder rested his tired, old body on his rocking chair, as he entertained his mind by watching Discovery.World. He just came from his backyard, after a midday check on his plants. He heard someone knock the door. "What's wrong with the door?!" asked Mr. Mulder when he noticed that it hadn't open by itself as it was suppose to when an epidermis come close to its metal exterior. "Maybe it's broken!!!" yelled back Mrs. Mulder. "Well then go open the damn thing manually!!!" he yelled to Mrs. Mulder who's busy cooking in the kitchen. "Why should I, you're the one nearest to it!!!" yelled back Mrs. Mulder. "You could use a little exercise!! Bend your little legs!!!" he suggested. "Why the hell are you forcing me to tire myself?!! I'll die soon if I start acting like a crazed cow like you!!! And besides, I can't leave my fries here!!!"she said. "Fine! Those fries better not be poisonous like the ones you made me and the people we had on Christmas Day eat!!!" Mr. Mulder warned as he stood up from his rocking chair and started walking to the door. "It wasn't my fault. It was your disgusting sauce that had Lysol in them!!! I told you not to make your sauce but you just had to show off to your little friends!!! You see what happens??! I went to the washroom for a sec and when I came back bubbles were flying out of your mouths like they were chimneys!!!" Mrs. Mulder waved her hands, and yelled to make her point. Mr. Mulder opened the door to reveal his son, Gunth Kresge, along with his family. "Hey Dad!" greeted Geek, as Mr. Mulder used to call him when he was only a kid. Geek had asked his father not to call him that way when he turned 16, after he received insults from his friends who attended his b'day party. Mr. Mulder really didn't listened to his sons pleads. "Come on in," Mr. Mulder instructed them in. Along with his son, was his wife, Jojie, and their three children, Jack, 11-year old, Whitney, 8-year old, and Gittins, 5-year old. "Hey, Dana. You're cooking?" greeted Jojie as she dropped her Digital Luggage Storer on the dining table. "Careful on the floor!!! I just painted!!!" said Mrs. Mulder. "You didn't do a thing!!! I painted the floor all by myself!!!" yelled Mr. Mulder as he helped Geek open their Digital Luggage Storer. Once he pressed enter on the little device it started emitting a laser and travelling bags and suitcases started materializing around them. "I washed your clothes afterwards!!!" she yelled back. Mrs. Mulder took the strainer that contained the fries and transferred the food on a plate. Jojie watched her in-law in disbelief. "Dana, why are you cooking?" she finally had the courage to ask. She was a little bit intimidated by her husband's mother. She could still remember the day when Kresge, as she called her husband, in protest to what Mr. Mulder calls his son, brought her home to meet his family. The moment she set her foot on this house 15 years ago, she knew that this wasn't a typical family. During her dinner with her boyfriend's family at their house, she and Kresge played footsies underneath the table, smiling to themselves. When Mrs. Mulder noticed her smiling, she asked her, "You think dinner is funny?" Startled, she nervously tried to correct her future in-law. "Oh, no. No. Kresge was just-" Mr. Mulder interrupted her in mid-sentence, "It's Geek. And Helga, eat your green beans!!!" he said. Mrs. Mulder yelled to her husband from the other end of the dining table, "Don't yell at her like that!!!" "I'm not yelling!!!" "Helga, honey, would you like some more vegetables?" "Don't you see she doesn't like your vegetables?!!!" "I can see that!!!" Mrs. Mulder put the bowl of steamed vegetables down on the table and busied herself with her potato salad. "Computer, why do children hate their mother's vegetables?" Mrs. Mulder asked the interactive computer. It replied, Question unclear. Please try again. "Stupid thing. Can't even answer a simple question. See, I told you we should've upgraded our home computer to the version 4.0," said Mrs. Mulder to her husband. "Version 3.7 or Version 4.0 they're all the same!!!" replied Mr. Mulder. "What we have is a crappy one!!! The only reason why you keep it is because whenever you ask that thing, a whore's voice replies to you!!!" yelled Mrs. Mulder, still chewing her vegetables. "I wasn't the one who chose Marita to be the computer voice!!! Complain to whatever her name is!!!" yelled Mr. Mulder. "It's Gates, Ms. Jenny Gates, dad," Luscious said to his father. The youngest son slowly munched on his stir fry. Feeling sorry to his sister, Helga, who was older than him, he takes some vegies from Helga's plate who was pitifully struggling to finish her meal. "I heard the latest version uses Mr. Gates' voice in it," commented Kresge. "Why the hell did they use Bill's voice there?" asked Mr. Mulder to no one in particular. "I'm calling Microsoft. Computer, stablish a link to the MicroPlanetary Customer Service," commanded Mrs. Mulder. The computer responded, Dialing...Link stablished...Begin interface. At that, Mrs. Mulder said, "Hello? Can anyone come to my place and install the new home computer version?" "Sure, ma'am. We'll just install it through phone line. We need your PIF and your PBN. You could just command your computer to send us your PIF but we need you to recite to us your PBN, following your voice command password," a man from the MicroPlanetary Customer Service replied. Mrs. Mulder instantly commanded the computer, "Computer, send my PIF to the other line. Where do I find my PBN again?" The Computer replied, PIF sent. Your Palm Barcode Number can be found on your palm underneath your New Security Implant. Mrs. Mulder looked at her palm and read aloud the number she saw, "610136101361013. My voice command password, 'kitsune'." "Thank you ma'am. Installation is currently underway," said the man from the MicroPlanetary Customer Service. "I've always known that there was something between you and the Pusher," said Mr. Mulder to his wife. "It was a long time ago!!!" replied Mrs. Mulder. "If I don't understand a thing the new computer will be saying I will put Bill out of his misery!" threatened Mr. Mulder. "Ummm, ma'am? Are you sure you want this new version?" asked the man from the other line. "Oh, don't worry about my husband. He spent some time with Mr. Gates before we retired. It wasn't a very pleasant experience." "I could have sworn I saw you two on that deck of the ship lapping on each other!!!" said Mr. Mulder. "I was wearing a Versace gown!!! Designer's clothing often have more things hanging on them that you'd look like two person in one!!!" replied Mrs. Mulder. "If that was it, then why were groping your *****??!!! I saw your hands go down there. You groped it!!! It couldn't have been your ******!!! I saw your hands wrap around them, it was a ****!!!" "Ha!" Helga's mouth dropped. Jojie choked on her vegies. Luscious covered his ears and chanted, "La la la la la la." "Umm, could you please turn me off of your line. We're experiencing some technical problems here," the man from the MicroPlanetary Customer Service said desperately. "It was dark!!!! You couldn't even see a thing!!!! Computer, terminate link!!!" yelled Mrs. Mulder. "He was wearing a Super-High-Powered-Glow-in-the-Dark condoms!!!" replied Mr. Mulder. "It didn't happen!!!" Mrs. Mulder simply said. Link terminated. The yelling between the couple never stopped. Never. To escape the noise, both Kresge and Jojie went to the basement, in his father's den, and joined a video conferencing. Their friends who went on-line to speak with them teased the couple. They complimented Kresge, saying that it was a plausible choice in order to move their relationship to another higher level. As they chatted, they could hear Mrs. Mulder saying something to no one in particular upstairs. They knew this because no one was responding to her comments. She's saying, "Killing the sperm before ejaculation is better!!! We may have had AIDS vaccine shots but still hurts when you have gonorrhea and you really have to pee!!!" When finally Kresge and Jojie catched Mrs. Mulder's points, the romantic and fun environment gradually turned into awkwardness. "Is she talking to us?" Kresge asked his companion, although he already knew the answer. "If she was, don't you think she'd come here instead of yelling something we wouldn't want the neighbours to hear?" Jojie replied. "Listen to that voice, it's like she got a trombone in her throat," commented Kresge as he pressed Mute on the screen so his friends wouldn't hear what his mother is saying. "I'm gonna go play a trick on her. Stay here," Kresge said as he made his way up the stairs. Kresge slowly opened the door from the basement and saw his mother lying on the floor on her chest. She was facing the floor, yelling at the green-colored carpeted surface. "Without University education, you're going nowhere!!! But if your hormones are bubbling like hell then at least use the Microwave Sperm-Killer, it's in the top right drawer on your father's desk, along with his home videos!!!" He opened the door and when his mother didn't notice him, he said, "Mom?" and finally Mrs. Mulder looked up. "Ahem. You're right, computer. I don't know why I've always thought that this was a real grass," Mrs. Mulder slowly carressed the carpet, pretending that she was talking to the computer. Question un-, Mrs. Mulder quickly hit the mute button on the nearest Interface Pad. "What is it, Geek?" Mrs. Mulder stood up and approach her son. She sniffed him discreetly, ever so lightly so he wouldn't suspect a thing. She's trying to smell anything on his son that would indicate that he'd been engaged to some sexual acts. when she smelled nothing but New Millennium cologne, she pretended to pick something up from the carpet and stole a glance on his zipper, checking if the doctor have been out or sleeping in. "Would you please keep it down?" he asked him mother. Why? So I could listen to your moans and groans and ahhhhs and ohhhhhhs? "Sure, Geek. The computer and I are just engaged on some very fun game," lied Mrs. Mulder. Geek went back to the basement and told Jojie what he dd. This events she still remembers. It is written on a rock inside Jojie's brain. "Dana, why don't you use the replicator instead of sweating yourself off by cooking?" Jojie asked as she approached the replicator and ordered the computer to produce a cold drink for her. A glass of ice cold water materialized on the replicator's tray. "I don't like it. I must have somekind of aaaaaaaaaaa phobia. I couldn't bare to touch that hideoous thing. Last time Fox used it it exploded right in front of his face, disintegrating every strand of his facial hair," explained Mrs. Mulder as she put her anti-tear goggles before she started chopping onions. "He ordered a helium, Dana," said Jojie, remember that dark day when she got a call from Dana, screaming like hell. She kept screaming, "Oh my god, they're burning your father!!! They're burning your father!!!" "Why? The computer couldn't distinguish a lunitic voice from a normal one?" Mrs. Mulder said. Mr. Mulder yelled from the living room where he's been playing with his grandchildren, "It's your Bill that tried to kill me!!!" Then someone knocked on the door. Whitney, Kresge's and Jojie's only daughter, run to the door and tried to open it, but she's never open a door using her hands. To her, door knobs are ancient. From where she lived, the door opens by itself when someone knocks on it. She kept pulling on the doorknob but still, it wouldn't open. Finally she twisted it, then pulled, and voila, open sesame. "Aunt Helga!" Whitney greeted her lesbian aunt. Behind her came Luscious and his wife, Shaysam, and their little bundle of joy, Smyth, a 5-month old boy. "Happy 43rd anniversary, guys!!!" greeted Shaysam. Greetings and kisses followed afterwards. ****** Same House A few hours later the whole family of Mulder sat down around the dining table to eat their dinner. Mrs. Mulder poured wine on the adult's glasses and water on the kids'. She then returned to her seat and held out her glass. When no one noticed what she was doing, she said, "Ahem," Mr. Mulder said after seeing his wife, "I ate our last cockroach. There won't be any creepers on the ceiling for another month. "I am not trying to catch an insect!!!" replied Mrs. Mulder. "Then what the hell are you doing?!!!" Mr. Mulder said from the other end of the table. "I'm proposing a toast for our anniversary!!!" explained Mrs. Mulder. "Then why the hell didn't you tell me?!!" asked Mr. Mulder. "Everyone," and the adults held their glasses up, then Mrs. Mulder continued, "This is to my husband and me, for all that's been and for all that is to come." All took a sip of their wine, except Mrs. Mulder who gulped it all down to her throat. "So, Helga, where's your girlfriend?" Mr. Mulder asked his lesbian daughter. "We broke up," Helga replied. "She's never satisfied to settle for one," murmurred Luscious under his breath. "Oh yeah like you didn't screw your little secretary at work?" Helga replied. "Ha?!" gasped Shaysam and looked at her husband questioningly. "What the hell does that suppose to mean?" Luscious yelled across the table. "Settle down, everyone," Kresge glanced a disarming look at both of them. "Oh, that's right, little Geek. Play the saint!!" said Helga. "Leave him alone!!!" said Jojie to her sister in-law. "You leave him alone!!!" replied Helga. "Don't speak to her like that!!!" Kresge defended his wife. "Go to hell, Geek!!!" said Luscious. "Oh, go worship your little buddha, Luscious," replied Kresge. "Don't you insult my god!!!" said Shaysam. "Don't talk to him like that!" said Jojie "Go and screw your secretary more, mother*****!!!" said Helga, this time, to Kresge. "Don't talk to him like that!" yelled Jojie. "Stupid freak of nature!!!" replied Luscious. "Don't talk to him like that. He drives a '98 Dodge Stratus!!!" said Jojie to all of them. "This is why some animals eat their young," said Mrs. Mulder as she refilled her glass. Silence fell upon on all of them. "Computer, what time is it?" asked Mrs. Mulder. 'S sesen-thirthy f.m., replied the computer. "I thought I told you already to switch to MicroVers already? It's got more Vulcan technology," said Luscious. "I don't like the new version. One time, when I went to my friend's house that have the new version, I almost yanked the plug off. Whenever I ask it a question, it only replied, 'Your question is not logical. Please, make the necessary repairs on your language.' I hated it," said Mrs. Mulder. ***************end***************** "If my Miss Manners serves me right, that protrusion form his left cornea is a salad fork." Mulder.